Certainly not the briefest of the updates.

I don't have the will to write anything profound cause a. my writing skills got discarded a long time ago and b. my eyes are all puffy - possibly an allergic reaction from eating too much cashew nuts in one sitting. This is bound to be one awful post, so I'm apologizing in advance. But at least you all can see that I'm honestly trying to contribute again.

So I was invited to a birthday party last Thursday, and as expected, it was alcohol central. I tend not to go out in large groups, in fact, I rarely go out with more than 3 others, so to spend the whole evening with a large group of very drunk people for me is very challenging. I didn't consume a single drop of alcohol but I got drunk. The noise, the chaos and the unnecessary shrieks were enough to make me hammered. I was the earliest to go home at about midnight. I just didn't want to have to deal with all the drinking drama, as they were not my friends, but friends of a friend. Let me tell you, I've never been so happy to head home and throw in my jammies.

In an effort to be more social, I said yes to another invitation the next day. It was from a college friend whom I haven't seen in years. So we reconnected over coffee, browsed though pictures of familiar people on her laptop and reminisced our old college days when we shared the same flat. After that we hit the bar, had a couple of beers and cocktails and chatted some more. A few days later, she called me again and we did exactly the same thing. I don't wanna call her 'needy' but she seemed like that when she called again last night, asking to meet up. I cancelled on her. I told her I was busy.

I'm a terrible person I know. I missed her after all these years, but I don't think I can be there for her 24/7. It's hard to listen to her excessively whine about a guy who dumped her 5 years ago (turned out he's bisexual), or how much she despises her job or the fact that she couldn't put on weight no matter how hard she tries. And quite frankly, she bores me with how she tries to complicate her life when in reality, it's not. I can probably deal with boredom, but on top of all her issues which she tries to rub on me, she's also my worst critic ever. She criticizes everything about me. The clothes I wear, my skin, my weight.. I don't have the healthiest self-esteem and body image, so you guys can just imagine how bad I handle such criticisms.

Reconnecting with her made me realize one thing. Something about me has fundamentally changed. I'm not the same person anymore. I don't think the same and I don't feel the same. I'm no longer the confident, assured person I used to be. Each day I battle my emotional insecurities and the hubris that tells me I could be more if only I tried harder. It takes every ounce of me not to let her see that. I want to be alone, I think. And as much as I hate to say this, I'm perfectly fine living in utter obscurity. I still love my friends though and I wanna be there for them. But there are times when I don't have enough energy to lift my head, let alone, lift others.

Ugh. I hate that I can't write a single entry here without sounding like a pathetic loser. Self pity post over and out.

Listless.

God knows I used to love life. How I slept in uncontained anticipation for the next day. How in the midnight hours, I would beg for the sun to show up so I could dance through the day. How I stayed awake long into the night, my head brimming with excitement and such anticipation for the future that I could not have slept even if I had wanted to. I miss those magic moments of happiness that WAS my life...

I need my life realigned. I'm tired of running in circles, holding this damn broken compass, waiting for it to show me the way already. It's a cold, brutal feeling and I wish to hell I could just bottle it up, keep it locked and throw it away so that no one has to feel it ever again.

This is what happens when you have too much coffee in your system.

I'm craving Autumn and Winter. This heat combined with torrential rains and humidity is seriously driving me insane. I wanna be able to curl up in scarves, sweaters and blankets with massive, steaming mugs of coffee or tea, the air biting the breath from your lungs, and all the stark possibilities the cold could offer. Most people I know prefer summer. They usually associate that season for hitting the beach, going on vacation and myriad of opportunities to merry make and be happy. Maybe I would too, if my life had been different. But as it is, the cold has always been more suitable for me, more thrilling. It's easier to cover up flabs which basically make up most, if not all of my insecurities.

I get so excited about cold, it's a high. If I could just magically transport myself on a whim (doesn't matter where), I'd love to be some place cold and taste snowflakes as it floats and drifts from the sky. To experience an ice storm that wipes out power and leave you relying on candles and flashlights to get you through the night. Possibly days of it, but without the scary background noise of course. Just me, a thick blanket, a comfy couch, reading a book next to a fire and endless mugs of Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate, preferably with tiny marshmallows in it that melts too quickly in the mouth (that is if didn't melt completely with the hot water). And in the morning, maybe Boyfie will come (cause it'll be a tad boring if I'm alone both day and night), and we'll have some pasta (real pasta and not those eaten with metal chopsticks), drink ridiculously expensive wine, which in reality we couldn't afford, and pass time talking about trivial things that both make us laugh like hell. We'll take advantage of the shortened daylight, enjoy as much as possible and make it worth it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is my idea of HEAVEN.

On a completely separate note.. I remember three years ago, Chris and I trekked nearly 12 kilometers through a blizzard. As much as I love the cold, it wasn't intentional. We were in Jeju in the middle of winter. While in the lowlands it was cold enough to numb my hands, it never snowed, but in the highlands it did. It started as a harmless snowy day in Mt. Halla. Three inches of it came down, enough to powder every inch of the hiking trail. At the crack of noon, blizzard came and I was literally leaping for joy. Three inches of slush shortly turned two feet and my knees were buried in the snow. My legs burned of course, my feet felt like rigid Lead and was sweating under the heavy winter jacket (probably because I was too fat then). Chris being the sensible one, was there to kick me out of euphoria. He was keen on reminding me about Hypothermia, getting lost, and the possibly fatal results that goes with falling off the steep trail going down. What normally would take two hours, took us four. We were plowing through the drifts, two feet high, stalling in almost zero visibility pathways, with ice pouring in small bits, hitting our jackets and creating a sound similar to popcorn being popped. Countless of times we tumbled, losing our balance, desperately gripping the icy ropes for safety. It was a rush, I admit. Something I never got to experience in my twenty-something years of existence (mostly) spent living in a hellish tropical climate. I'd so do it again, right now in a second. I crave it. It was exhilarating and dangerous. Definitely, a rush like no other.

Ok. I mumbled enough. I'm gonna find another thing to do till the caffeine wears out and sleep finally comes. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good one and I wont be burned to a toasty crisp. Have a safe and easy Thursday you all!

P.S. Here's a pic to get you through the heat!

Needs.

I know I haven't been visible much lately. And when I am, I bore you guys with mother of all nonsensical posts. I think the problem is, or at least my excuse is, I hate to write when I'm failing. When I'm doing terribly. And that is how I have been doing lately.

After weeks of structure and stress, I found myself with a week of nothing but free time. It led me to binging, just eating my feelings and frustrations. After time, feelings numb a little, but then boredom ensued and it further spiraled me into even bigger binges. I'm not shocked that my weight is now up by 3 pounds, and that makes me a disgusting fat cow at 119 pounds.

Everything is just so overwhelmingly frustrating for me right now. I can't function with all these fat hanging around my body. Of course, I know what I need to do. When broken down into it's tiny components, it is so simple for want of a better word. I need to eat less. I need to exercise. I need to focus. So why am I not doing those three simple things? In reality, we all know it is so much harder than that. I know you must all be thinking that with all my free time, I should have been living in the gym, working out till I could no longer walk without limping. I know I should have. But then, when all this weight gain started happening, I was falling apart and gym did not even factor in my decisions. It was so hard to motivate myself to anything at all, let alone something that involves effort. Pathetic I know.

Losing weight for me is so much more than just being skinny. It is about alleviating some of the pressure that has been weighing on me. This overwhelming need to lose weight isn't merely just shedding the pounds, but expelling the weight that is not physical, but rather emotional and mental.

But I'm done mulling. I've got a lot of ground to reclaim, and it begins now. If gym is the only thing that could help break down my day into manageable chunks, as opposed to being faced with endless expanse of time, then it is where I'm going. I'll throw myself into this, body and soul. As it stands right now, all I have is set in stone.

I must dash. I could only hope you are all fairing better than I am.