I don't have the will to write anything profound cause a. my writing skills got discarded a long time ago and b. my eyes are all puffy - possibly an allergic reaction from eating too much cashew nuts in one sitting. This is bound to be one awful post, so I'm apologizing in advance. But at least you all can see that I'm honestly trying to contribute again.
So I was invited to a birthday party last Thursday, and as expected, it was alcohol central. I tend not to go out in large groups, in fact, I rarely go out with more than 3 others, so to spend the whole evening with a large group of very drunk people for me is very challenging. I didn't consume a single drop of alcohol but I got drunk. The noise, the chaos and the unnecessary shrieks were enough to make me hammered. I was the earliest to go home at about midnight. I just didn't want to have to deal with all the drinking drama, as they were not my friends, but friends of a friend. Let me tell you, I've never been so happy to head home and throw in my jammies.
In an effort to be more social, I said yes to another invitation the next day. It was from a college friend whom I haven't seen in years. So we reconnected over coffee, browsed though pictures of familiar people on her laptop and reminisced our old college days when we shared the same flat. After that we hit the bar, had a couple of beers and cocktails and chatted some more. A few days later, she called me again and we did exactly the same thing. I don't wanna call her 'needy' but she seemed like that when she called again last night, asking to meet up. I cancelled on her. I told her I was busy.
I'm a terrible person I know. I missed her after all these years, but I don't think I can be there for her 24/7. It's hard to listen to her excessively whine about a guy who dumped her 5 years ago (turned out he's bisexual), or how much she despises her job or the fact that she couldn't put on weight no matter how hard she tries. And quite frankly, she bores me with how she tries to complicate her life when in reality, it's not. I can probably deal with boredom, but on top of all her issues which she tries to rub on me, she's also my worst critic ever. She criticizes everything about me. The clothes I wear, my skin, my weight.. I don't have the healthiest self-esteem and body image, so you guys can just imagine how bad I handle such criticisms.
Reconnecting with her made me realize one thing. Something about me has fundamentally changed. I'm not the same person anymore. I don't think the same and I don't feel the same. I'm no longer the confident, assured person I used to be. Each day I battle my emotional insecurities and the hubris that tells me I could be more if only I tried harder. It takes every ounce of me not to let her see that. I want to be alone, I think. And as much as I hate to say this, I'm perfectly fine living in utter obscurity. I still love my friends though and I wanna be there for them. But there are times when I don't have enough energy to lift my head, let alone, lift others.
Ugh. I hate that I can't write a single entry here without sounding like a pathetic loser. Self pity post over and out.
0 comments:
Post a Comment