After weeks of structure and stress, I found myself with a week of nothing but free time. It led me to binging, just eating my feelings and frustrations. After time, feelings numb a little, but then boredom ensued and it further spiraled me into even bigger binges. I'm not shocked that my weight is now up by 3 pounds, and that makes me a disgusting fat cow at 119 pounds.
Everything is just so overwhelmingly frustrating for me right now. I can't function with all these fat hanging around my body. Of course, I know what I need to do. When broken down into it's tiny components, it is so simple for want of a better word. I need to eat less. I need to exercise. I need to focus. So why am I not doing those three simple things? In reality, we all know it is so much harder than that. I know you must all be thinking that with all my free time, I should have been living in the gym, working out till I could no longer walk without limping. I know I should have. But then, when all this weight gain started happening, I was falling apart and gym did not even factor in my decisions. It was so hard to motivate myself to anything at all, let alone something that involves effort. Pathetic I know.
Losing weight for me is so much more than just being skinny. It is about alleviating some of the pressure that has been weighing on me. This overwhelming need to lose weight isn't merely just shedding the pounds, but expelling the weight that is not physical, but rather emotional and mental.
But I'm done mulling. I've got a lot of ground to reclaim, and it begins now. If gym is the only thing that could help break down my day into manageable chunks, as opposed to being faced with endless expanse of time, then it is where I'm going. I'll throw myself into this, body and soul. As it stands right now, all I have is set in stone.
I must dash. I could only hope you are all fairing better than I am.
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