Here And Now.

I have to take back what i said on my last post... And here's a convoluted, somewhat dull story as to why.


I'm not quite sure why I bother with this blog anymore.  It just seems to defeat it's purpose.  It feels more and more unsettling in it's accuracy.  I have nothing new to say. Nothing new to give.  That's why I donated more of my time to my other blog.  But I still got quite a few things I would like to include here before I call it a closed book.  Just some random musings about living in Korea, experiences and other oddities, photos from my travels, etc.  I just didn't have the energy to write about it before when I had to deal with so much emotions and coping with reality.


I'm perfectly aware that memory road is long and treacherous, deceitfully so.  It can rise up and trip me or hurt me.  it can batter me into complacency.  It can beat me into sebservient cowardice.  It can lash out and whip me off solid ground or worse, it can make me bleed. But I still wanna go that road. Right now, I'm fixated on just a few particular memories, the good ones I suppose.  The others I'd shushed away in the darker, cobwebby, creepy-crawly recesses of my dysfunctional brain, because I refuse to acknowledge any glimmer of real emotion from it.  


So I'm ready to take off and write about what's left of my journey in Korea though I'm fighting hard to find some semblance of logic in doing so.  I'm ready to go down memory lane once again, my hands balled into a fist as I welcome many more fleeting, fearsome anxieties that go with it,  I know ex-boyfie will be reading even without my permission, as he did with all the other posts I've written here.  If it concerns anyone, we do get in touch. Sometimes, we'd meet each other and as we say our goodbyes, there's always plenty of plans to meet again.  I know that he still loves me and part of me still do.  The only difference is that we do not have a vision of the future anymore.  I crushed it when I realized I've got so much paralyzing egocentric issues.  It's keeping me from being a WIFE, a MOTHER, and a dutiful DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. Unlike him who is always planning an oh-so-awesome future of notable awesomeness while I'm being so much of a chicken. Still am.  See the feathers people?


Maybe writing here again, just until I published all that I saved in Drafts and with absolutely no degree of permanence, will morph into something more optimistic, more charming, more real... though i don't know how it could get more real than the nonsense that flies aimlessly around my head, conspicuously keyboarded in a self-hating, emotionally-stunted manner of my other blog.


Do read what's left of my journey.  But I can't guarantee substance.  Still, I'm going to try.