Wake-up call.

Two years ago, I received this pink tank top as a birthday gift from my grandmother. Since I'm not the type who wears tank tops, I kept it buried under my closet. Years have passed and I totally forgot all about it. While I was cleaning my room today, I found it hidden among the pile of clothes I'm planning to throw away. Those are the clothes I'm not comfortable wearing anymore (after I gained the extra pounds). I wasn't at ease when I saw how small the tank top is (my previous size), and how I'm not gonna be able to wear it anymore. Ok, I'm not really gonna wear it, I just wanna know that it still fits.. but the sad part is, it doesn't.

Eversince I adapted my mothers new found love for exercise, I've been tracing hard the tiny little progress I've made, but found none.. I sweated bullets each time I was at the oval, running till I couldn't breathe anymore. Every bit of my body is strained and sore from sheer physical exhaustion when I'm running like crazy. But even with all these effort, I only lost 1 lb. I don't really consider losing a pound much of a progress, cause it's as simple as skipping lunch for some. I don't even want to mention that I'm 3 shades darker now, even if I consumed one whole bottle of Nivea Sun Spray. This is really depressing. I'm beginning to think I'm gonna be trapped in this stupid body forever.

While I was growing up, I never had any problems with my weight. I only started to get conscious about it when I was 23 years old. I was 124 lbs and at my heaviest. I was living in my own apartment, just beside McDonald's, and my daily diet of big mac's, coke, and french fries (I swear it's the only thing I eat every single day for four months) took a toll on my weight.. I felt I was too fat and got really depressed. So I went to the gym for the first time, lifted weights, took up boxing, and did a lot of cardio. To speed up my weight loss, I was taking only 500 calories a day. Everyone was shocked when I lost 30 lbs in a month. I was down to 96 lbs... At 5'5, 96 lbs seems to be way too thin (though not in Korean standards) so my parents were really worried.. But I found out the hard way that it wasn't healthy.. I got hospitalized a lot that year due to malnutrition, electrolyte imbalance, dehydration, and worse my heart wasn't functioning properly. After I learned the dangers of losing too much weight in a short amount of time.. I took care of my health and was able to maintain my ideal weight of 110 lbs. However, when I was 24, I discovered I'm suffering from an endocrine dysfunction that was messing up with my hormones, and that the battle of the bulge started to become infinitely critical. I think I have to lose 30 lbs now to reach my ideal weight. If only I could resurrect my old determination back, I could have a brand new me in a month's time (without endangering myself that is).

Let this old tank top be my wake-up call and get me motivated. I need to work harder to be able to lose weight. I'm thinking about throwing the scale cause it only makes me lose focus and feel depressed. I can't bear to have any kind of distraction right now.. I recognize that there is a problem and I'm doing something about it. Too much complacency and optimism is always a bad thing...